Complaints and Solutions

        We all remember the shining teachers who taught us and inspired us. The helpful, friendly ones as well as the tough-minded ones with high expectations stick in our minds. My most difficult teachers motivated me to learn and to choose that profession for my lifework. I thank my second grade teacher for making me write a pretend bank deposit entry on the blackboard. She gently nudged me to apply a concept I didn’t yet understand, but my confidence grew with each attempt.               

        Just as we remember the good teachers, we also have little difficulty remembering those like my fifth grade teacher, who sent me to sit alone in the hall each time I visited with classmates too much or gazed out the window when I should have been listening to her. My Miss Grundy (think Archie® comics) was, in my mind, unfair and mean. My mother bore the brunt of my complaints.

        It’s no wonder that our children follow a similar pattern when challenged to get along with teachers they don’t like. We urge our children to communicate how they feel, but we often feel stymied as to how to best handle our child’s complaints. Once complaints are shared with a parent, two challenges arise: the child’s relationship with the teacher and the parent’s approach to responding to the problem.

        First, consider what you might hear from the child as he unloads his frustrations about a teacher:

• She’s mean to me.
• He grades too hard.
• She has favorites.
• He doesn’t allow late or missing assignments.

        While your child is delivering his complaints about the teacher, be alert to the following:

• Tone of voice. Is he whining, as though his friend didn’t play fair in a game, or does it sound more like his entire world is falling in on him?
• Do the complaints about the teacher fall more in the emotional or factual range? By recognizing the difference, you will be better prepared to respond.
• Are you feeling the urge to take sides? If so, that may be exactly what your child is hoping for. Some kids want you to exhibit the same amount of anger they feel towards the teacher while also sympathizing with their complaints.

        A typical reaction to seeing our child in need of help is to protect him like a mother bird and smother him with sympathy. This approach rarely helps the child become an active participant in the solution. Healthier responses open the door to further dialogue and address the specific complaints. These sample responses may help:

• I can see you are really upset. Tell me more. The idea is to let the child empty his turmoil and clear his head without feeling judged for his feelings.
• How do you know your teacher favors others more than you? You’re looking for concrete examples of what the child perceives to be favoritism.
• What do you think your teacher should do about late or missing assignments? You are asking the child to take the position of problem-solver by starting to think like the teacher.

        Receiving a complaint, especially from your child, allows you to listen, ask questions, and because you are the parent, help to resolve the problem. After you have listened and asked clarifying questions, it’s time to help your child decide what to do. Consider the following approach:

Talk to the Teacher

        Make an appointment to visit with the teacher. Having the child at the meeting will allow him to speak directly to the teacher about his perceptions of the problem. If he doesn’t attend the first meeting, you will need to share your child’s complaints as you heard them. The purpose is to achieve better understanding and resolution of the conflict between your child and the teacher with respectful dialogue.

• Be calm. The goal is to work with the teacher, not against her. Start with your child telling the teacher his specific complaints. If the child is not there, do your best to stick to details rather than emotions. Stay away from blaming the teacher for the problem. You are looking for a cooperative outcome.
• Observe the interaction between your child and the teacher. Does there seem to be a desire on the teacher’s part to listen to the complaints with an open mind? Is your child able to get past the emotional phase and give specific details of his complaint? If you see evidence that the child and teacher are trying to work together to deal with their differences, this is a good sign.
• Ask the teacher for her perspectives about the relationship she has with your child. She may have different insights into his behavior than what you see at home. Use the same kind of questioning you used with your child to get at the facts: what and how questions are preferred to why questions.
• Work with the teacher to sort through what you each understand to be the problem. Ask for her suggestions and offer your own. Encourage your child to join in the discussion and search for ways to improve the relationship with the teacher.
• Leave the meeting knowing that there is a plan. Be clear about what each of you agrees to do next. Set a time within the next month to revisit the issues and evaluate whether progress is being made.

Back Home

        Sit down with your child to discuss his perceptions of the teacher meeting. Hopefully, he will have a better understanding of what the teacher thinks and feels as well as more clarity in the reality of his complaints. He should also be able to explain to you what his future responsibilities are in the relationship with his teacher. It’s important to positively reinforce his efforts to:

• Use direct communication with the teacher. His willingness to discuss and ask questions in a direct manner will enhance the relationship.
• Take responsibility for his actions and be proactive in building a workable relationship with the teacher. It IS possible to get along with the teacher without being best friends.
• Understand that the teacher is the leader in the classroom and the child is there to learn from her. He might not always like everything she does, but life hands us the opportunity to make the best of seemingly unpleasant situations.

Last-Ditch Actions

        Sometimes the most well-intentioned efforts fail to produce the relationship you desire. If there is no progress or resolution between your child and the teacher, you may need to visit with the principal or another administrator. If there are many complaints regarding this teacher from other parents, further actions may involve district decision-makers.

        By helping to build a strong child who can handle bumps in the road with confidence and rise to the challenges of hurt feelings or disappointment, you have given your child important life skills. He may still have negative memories of a particular teacher, but he will also know that he did his part to try to rectify the challenges he faced.

Judy Ware, Ph.D. teaches in the BSU Dispute Resolution Certificate Program. She encourages people of all ages to become responsible partners in meeting the challenges of interpersonal relationships. She appreciates students who care enough to turn complaints into healthy dialogue that can lead to cooperative resolutions.