Why, When, and How to Set Limits
By Vivian Brault, M.A.

Do your kids frequently ignore your requests?  Do you vacillate between following through with consequences and sometimes "giving in"?  Are you convinced there has to be a better way?  The good news is that there is, and it begins with setting limits.

WHY SET LIMITS?
When children don't know the rules, limits, and expectations of their environment, they require constant redirection. The behavior of the challenging child will then escalate to the point that an adult finally intervenes.  The resulting stress has a negative effect on everyone.  But when we set limits and let kids know the rules of the game, they have no need to test the limits and they don't require constant redirection.  Setting limits is a kind and thoughtful gift to everyone. 

Limit setting is one of the basic requirements for parenting effectively.  It requires that we clearly inform the child what behavior is acceptable and what is not acceptable, both at home and in public.  We also inform the child of the consequence for unacceptable behavior, wherever it occurs.  Consequences provide opportunities for kids to learn the cause-effect relationship between what they do and what they experience, a lesson that will serve them well throughout life.  Limits are our main tool for teaching socially acceptable behavior; we rely on limits to help us civilize and coach our child to succeed in the society within which he will live.

WHEN TO SET LIMITS
Research has shown that children who live with limits feel safe and secure in knowing their parents care enough to go to the effort of setting limits and enforcing them if needed.  But parents are understandably confused sometimes about where and when to set limits.  The answer is that limits are needed for any behavior that is either disrespectful or destructive to persons (including oneself), or  property.

Kids need to begin to recognize boundaries and limits when they become mobile (at about 18 months).  We need to train them to understand that this is "no," but this is "yes."  And recognition needs to continue expanding as children mature.  While virtually all well-intentioned parents want to raise responsible children, their efforts may fall short of their goal for reasons often related to how they manage limit-setting and the parent's style of parenting. 

THE INFLUENCE OF PARENTING STYLES

To a great extent our ability to set limits and follow through with non-punitive consequences is influenced by the style of parenting we experienced as a child.  Parents will usually try to emulate their own parents' style or do exactly the opposite. Either way, the parenting approach of the previous generation affects how we parent today. 

Autocratic Parenting. This parent provides lots of limits but no freedom.  It is common for the child of an autocratic parent to rebel, fight back, and maybe pursue revenge.  More timid children will sometimes give up, give in, drop out, and quit trying.  

Permissive Parenting. The permissive parent often sets unclear or "grey limits," and does everything in the world to avoid following through with a consequence due to his fear of rejection and difficulty in dealing with conflict. It is common for the child of a permissive parent to feel society's rules apply to others but not him.  They may become seriously irresponsible. They often live with their parents into adulthood. 

Democratic Parenting. Democratic parents believe in establishing some basic guidelines for children. Because they typically set limits and follow through, children learn to trust and depend on them.  Kids parented in a democratic environment tend to be responsible, respectful of others, cooperative, and they are empathetic, self-starters, resourceful, and flexible.

SETTING LIMITS
Regardless of the parenting style adopted, the method for setting limits and implementing consequences is the same across the board: decide on a limit and a related consequence, inform the child of the limit and consequence in advance, and follow through if necessary.

It's important to know that the easiest and most effective time to set limits and define consequences is before misbehavior occurs; doing so eliminates many behavior problems before they even arise. 

 Example:  "Andy, before we go into the grocery store, I've decided there are some rules we need to remember to make the shopping fast and fun.  The rules for the store are: you need to stay beside me, and not run or yell in the store like last week.  If you forget and run or yell, then we'll need to leave the store and go home immediately, because that's not okay in the store."  Then let Andy select the first item to put in the shopping cart-something he likes, perhaps a favorite cereal.   If it becomes necessary to leave because Andy "forgets" (and pray that happens), it's important to leave all the groceries behind, including his favorite cereal.   As you leave, it's crucial that there is no lecture, reminder, or "I told you so"; simply pick up Andy and leave.  Informing the child in advance of consequences for a behavior places the responsibility for his behavior in the child's hands, where it rightfully belongs. He's the only one who can control it.  This is like teaching the game rules, infractions, and penalties to a sports team before they go onto the field or court.  Knowing the rules in advance gives them a choice to behave as asked, and not experiencing a consequence, or not behaving as asked, and experiencing the consequence.  It's up to Andy.  You aren't telling him how to behave; you're telling how you will behave if certain conditions arise. 

Informing kids in advance of consequences for certain behaviors works very well, but you don't always know what behaviors will happen. In that case, you just shuffle the order a little. Follow these three simple steps that allow you to set limits on the spot.

1.     DEFINE UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR.  The first time an unacceptable behavior occurs, clarify for the child specifically what behavior is unacceptable and what you would like him to do instead. "Puzzle pieces are not for throwing, but you can play with them on the floor right here."  (Don't use an ambiguous message, such as "Treat the puzzle nicely."  Be specific; say "Pieces are not for throwing.")

2.     DEFINE LIMIT AND CONSEQUENCE.  If the behavior recurs, inform the child of the consequence for that behavior by offering the child an "either-or" choice.  ("Either play with the puzzle without throwing pieces, or it will be put on the shelf until tomorrow.")  Now, he has a choice of behaving acceptably or losing the privilege of the puzzle.  The choice is not whether to behave or misbehave; the choice is to behave or lose the privilege of playing with the puzzle

3.     IMPLEMENT CONSEQUENCE.  If the behavior still continues, implement the consequence.  Do not remind, nag, or threaten.  Simply put the puzzle in the box and up on the shelf without saying a word. 

Each of the three steps is necessary the first time a misbehavior occurs. After that, quietly implement #3, the consequence, without further reminding.  This is critical because when adults remind and lecture, they find themselves growing angry and that's when yelling, power struggles, defiance, and spanking are likely to occur-all of which are destructive to the child's self-concept, undermine the adult's effectiveness, and destroy the relationship. 

If we stop to realize how many times we "remind" children, we recognize that children don't learn how to behave from what we say, they learn how to behave from what we do. 

Act, don't talk.

Vivian Brault founded Directions in 1987 as a private educational resource dedicated to serving young children and families through training parents, teachers, and childcare personnel in parenting skills and group leadership skills.  Go to parentingpath.com.