It's Grand to Have Family Nearby

There are few things I am more grateful for as a parent than having the help of extended family nearby.  Both my parents and my in-laws have provided invaluable assistance, advice and time to my husband and me in raising our two boys.

When my oldest son was an infant, my boss invited me to pioneer her new "bring your baby to work" policy. But  I still needed at least one regular "baby-free" day a week for meetings or other activities, and my dad volunteered to watch Jack once a week for the first six months of his life.

My husband's parents regularly take the boys for weekends or longer.  These sleepovers are a treat for the boys, and allow me to take the occasional business or recreation trip with my husband.

My mom is a gem when it comes to bailing us out of emergencies: taking the kids when we have conflicting morning meetings that start before daycare or school opens, or picking them up in the evening when a meeting runs long.

From regularly scheduled gigs to the occasional night out to caring for the sick child who can't go to school, grandparents can be a tremendous resource for parents.  More than just babysitters, grandparents can help to reinforce your set of values and rules, commiserate with you on behavioral or development issues, offer a perspective gleaned from decades of parenting experience, and provide a loving support system that is ultimately much more than mere childcare.

If you have the luxury of willing, available grandparents at your disposal, you would do well to keep a few tips in mind: 

Make sure your parents know the basic rules of safety you abide by, and that these are rules you expect them to follow as well.  Many childcare safety standards have changed since you were a child. Gone are the days where you could expect a child to have free reign of the entire neighborhood from dusk until dawn, blissfully riding a bike with flip-flops and no helmet.  Gone too are the days when a 7-year-old could call "shotgun" in the family car, with the rest of the kids to roll around in the "way back" of the station wagon.  Make sure your parents understand that you expect your kids to wear helmets when riding their bikes, and be appropriately restrained for their age when in the car.

Prepare for emergencies.  Stock your parents' medicine cabinet with appropriate child medications for fever, insect bites, allergic reactions, and other minor medical needs.  Make sure your parents know the proper dosages for your children.  Invite your parents to take a pediatric CPR or first aid class with you and pay for their admission, then post these instructions on the fridge, with your pediatrician's number and any allergies your child has.

Be willing to let non-safety related rules go for the time being.  If you strictly enforce a 60-minute limit on screen time, prohibit snacks before dinner, or prohibit sugary cereal, be prepared to be flexible.  I was shocked when I noticed a box of marshmallow, cartoon-themed cereal in my mother-in-law's cupboard after one weekend.  This same woman, who had imposed strict nutrition and economical standards on her own kids, now blissfully spent $4 on empty calories for mine, because, she says, "they asked."  Another shock came when my mother-in-law was helping toilet train my son-without the toilet.  She encouraged him to "pee on a tree" whenever the urge hit him.  I had to explain to my 3-year-old the next week that the same behavior that was appropriate at grandma's orchard was inappropriate in almost every other setting.

Talk to your kids about respecting their grandparents' authority, while following the basic standards you expect of them while they're home.  It's not fair to say to your parents "in your house, you set the rules."  Your kids should consider it a given that they not jump on furniture, play roughly or loudly inside, or act disrespectfully, no matter who is in charge.  Depending on their age, you should let your kids know that you expect them to follow the same standards of behavior they observe at home at grandma's house.

Be prepared to bite your tongue.  There are probably some conscious decisions you have made about the way you parent (or don't parent), based upon how you feel about how you or your spouse were raised.  If you have a good enough relationship with your child's grandparents and can trust them to be competent, loving caregivers, there is no reason to call any of these decisions of yours to their attention.  They may offer advice you don't agree with, or make observations about how your parenting differs from theirs.  Smile, nod, and be gracious.  If you feel pressure from them at any time to make changes that conflict with your parenting standards, be polite but firm in your response.  Don't make any reference to how you feel about their parenting or values, just say "their father/mother and I have discussed this and made a decision about how we want to parent based upon values we agree are important to us," and then change the subject.

Show your gratitude.  Whether or not you have arranged for some kind of payment for your parents' babysitting services, show you are grateful by saying thank-you, arriving to pick up the kids when promised, and not taking for granted that your parents will be willing and available to babysit every time you ask.   Bring a pizza with you when you drop off the kids, so they don't have to worry about dinner.  Have the kids write thank-you notes or draw pictures for their grandparents, illustrating what they liked most about their visit.

Watch/listen for important cues about your parents' limitations.  My husband's parents seem reluctant to admit when they've had enough of our kids.  They will volunteer for multi-day visits from the boys, and return them looking very tired.  While healthy and active, they are also approaching their mid-70s, and I suspect are shocked to discover that a weekend keeping up with active young boys is more taxing than they anticipated.  Even my considerably younger mom has noted "those boys are a lot more active than I remember when you and your sister were that age."

Arrange back-up.  No matter how much your kids love grandma and grandpa, there are times when it is just more appropriate to hire a babysitter.   Your child might appreciate the opportunity to interact with a teenager they admire.  My husband and I reserve paid babysitters for evening engagements when we know we won't be home before our parents want to go to bed.  We also know that, while our parents love the chance to spend time with their grandkids, we want to avoid taking advantage of them.

Much more than just free, accessible childcare, our parents represent to us a community of caring partners in parenting, who share our goal of raising our boys to be people of character.  We consider their time with our children to be opportunities for our boys to interact with a different generation, learn about our family history and traditions, and appreciate how a group of very different people can share a bond. 

It is also an opportunity for our parents to enjoy giving of themselves in a way they couldn't when they were parents.  Grandparents, often one step removed from the responsibilities of parenting, are free to be your child's friend and confidant, to enjoy their company and listen to their stories.  They may be retired, with more time to devote to imaginative play, storytelling, or just living in the moment.

Beth Markley and her husband and two boys live in Boise, a block away from Grandma Pat, and 45 minutes from Grandma Sylvia and Grandpa Bob in Emmett.