If you're a parent, it's no surprise to hear that you have assumed the most demanding and important job in the world.  It involves both loving your children and preparing them to eventually leave the nest and survive and thrive without you.  Loving them comes naturally, but training them to become capable, responsible, and resourceful individuals requires discipline, a skill that doesn't come as easily for many parents-mistaken perceptions sometimes cloud the way.  For example, some adults assume the term "child discipline" is synonymous with "punishment." This is not so; discipline literally means "teaching or training".  And research has proven that the most effective approach to discipline and training is the use of consequences.  Punishment, on the other hand, results in resentment, sometimes followed with revenge, low self-esteem, and a damaged parent/child relationship.

        The word "consequence" is another frequently misunderstood term.  Again, many interpret it to mean punishment, when in fact the literal meaning is "result."  Everything we do in life has a result/consequence.  And the cause/effect relationship between a child's behavior and the result he experiences provides the elements required for training him to behave in desirable ways by simply controlling the result, instead of trying to control the child.

NATURAL AND LOGICAL CONSEQUENCES

        There are two kinds of consequences, natural and logical. Both are effective for training.  A natural consequence is the natural result of an act, imposed by the reality of the environment.  When a child violates the natural order, unavoidable consequences occur.  For example, if a child leaves his mittens at school, his hands will get cold. If he refuses lunch, he'll be hungry before dinner.  When a child's choice results in an undesirable consequence, he is motivated to avoid that choice in the future.  Kids learn through experience, not words.  A consequence needs only be inconvenient or uncomfortable, and natural consequences should never be used when danger is involved.  

        A logical consequence involves simply delaying an upcoming privilege or denying a current one.  When a natural consequence is not available, involves danger, or is too distant to be effective, the parent must arrange a logical consequence.  To be effective, a logical consequence must be related to the infraction, reasonable, respectful, and revealed in advance.  By informing the child of the consequence in advance, we give the child the choice of behaving in an acceptable manner or experiencing the consequence. This is in sharp contrast to punishment.  For example, if teeth brushing is a daily hassle, the parent can inform the child that if he doesn't brush, the parent will help to control cavities by removing all sweets and desserts from the child's diet, noting that if the child decides to start brushing, desserts can again be available. (He'll be brushing in short order, and without reminding.)  If bedtime, bath, and getting into pajamas is the issue, the parent can inform the child that when he's had his bath, puts on his pajamas, and gets into bed, the parent will read a story for the time remaining until "lights out."  If time runs out, there is no story, but the child can try again the next night.  He'll figure it out!

        Logical consequences can be implemented with two simple techniques: an "either - or" choice or a "when - then" choice.  "You can either put your books on the shelf or I will put them away until tomorrow," or "when the dishes are done, then we'll shop for your new jeans as planned."  An "either - or" choice conveys the need to change behavior or lose a current privilege.  A "when - then" choice conveys the message that an upcoming privilege will be delayed until the child complies with a request.   How long it's delayed is up to the child, but delaying is not to his advantage.  The words "when - then" will work, but if we substitute the words "IF - then" it won't work; this is a small but important detail.

        The use of consequences stimulates cooperation because the child sees the benefit of complying.  Children may choose to experience the consequence the first time just to test you, to see if you will really follow through. Make sure you do.  Remember that the key is controlling the child's environment, and it works.  But trying to control the child is a never-ending struggle.    

PARENTING TIPS

        Where situations are recurring, such as behavior at mealtime, the planned logical consequences can be discussed with the child in advance, during calm moments.  This puts the child on notice and gives him the opportunity to choose either appropriate behavior or the consequence, such as eating when others are finished, or dinner might be over for him.  Since the choice is his, the consequence is not punishment.  He doesn't have to experience it at all-it's up to him.

        Shopping tantrums can be handled the same way; let the child know in advance what behavior is expected while shopping, and if he "forgets," the result will be to leave the store immediately.  Then take time for training at a time when you're not rushed, and go shopping when you don't really need anything.  Put items the child likes in the basket first (no perishables, please).  And at the first sign of a tantrum, leave immediately-no second chances and absolutely no lectures. The "child in training" will quickly realize that the result of his tantrum was to lose those desirable things in the basket.  One or two training trips, and shopping problems will be history. 

        If arranged so they are logical to the child, "on-the-spot" choices can be very effective.  However, the choices given must be very specific.  "Jamie, we don't run and yell during family movies.  You can either be quiet so others can hear, or I will turn the movie off!"  The adult's message and purpose must have no punitive undertones or implication of superiority.  Simply state what you will do.  The attitude of the adult needs to be that of mild regret that the child has chosen the consequences, and confidence that next time he will probably make a better choice. There are no second chances, and you must act at the first indication of unacceptable behavior. 

        Logical consequences delivered as "either - or" choices, or a "when - then," are effective with children starting at about age three. Younger toddlers need to be reminded and shown what is expected several times.  Remember that the purpose of discipline is to train for future behavior, not punish for history.  An excellent resource for today's parents is A New Approach to Discipline: Logical Consequences, by Rudolph Dreikurs and Loren Grey.

BEHAVIORS THAT SABOTAGE EVEN THE BEST CONSEQUENCES 

• A parent's punitive get-even tone or attitude, ridicule, or humiliation will give the child reason to punish in return.
• Warning or giving second chances teaches the child to ignore what parents say.
• Showing inconsistency, or not following through, trains the child to ignore rules.
• Getting angry and turning a consequence into a punishment gives reason to retaliate.
• Feeling guilty convinces the child that it pays to act abused; he learns to use guilt to control others.
• Talking or lecturing will cancel out the benefit of the consequences. Kids learn from experience, not words.
• Rubbing it in, e.g., saying "I told you so," promotes hostility and destroys respect.
• Yelling teaches the child to respond only when yelled at.

Vivian Brault, M.A., is a counselor and producer of Tearless Discipline, a DVD course for parents and care providers. It is available at parentingpath.com.