Now, here's a surprise!  Although raising a stubborn or "strong-willed" child is a tremendous challenge, it can also be a great gift to parents to have a child with firm convictions, a high spirit, and a sense of adventure.  These are traits credited to many leaders and innovators in our past, including Thomas Jefferson, Albert Einstein, Thomas Edison, Marie Curie, Jonas Salk, and others.  But the task of successfully rearing a stubborn child to pursue a positive direction in life requires insights that many parents find elusive.  These kids argue about everything and test their parents repeatedly, making discipline a daily challenge and making life hard for all family members. 

        Becoming a mom or dad is a job normally assumed without benefit of training.   Parents step into the role completely inexperienced, and when faced with a stubborn, strong-willed child, the challenges are great.  Parents with this dilemma often feel that they've tried everything, but most attempts to discipline turn into arguments and yelling matches.  They recognize the methods they are using aren't working, but they don't know what else to do.  Defiant behavior doesn't just go away without a change in parenting approach, which begins when well-intentioned parents start to look at ways they may be unwittingly contributing to the problem.

        Could it be that the parent is modeling the very behavior that the child reflects back to them?  Or could it be a case of a strong-willed child and a weak-willed parent?  If either is true, this is where the journey for change needs to begin.

        The literal definition of "discipline" is training; it does not mean punishment.  And effective parenting requires equal portions of two elements; training (called discipline), and nurturing and protection. Too much emphasis on nurturing and protection results in antisocial and irresponsible behavior.  Too much emphasis on discipline (at the expense of nurturing and protection) results in neurotic behavior and low self-esteem.

PARENTING STYLES 

There are three basic styles of parenting.  They are autocratic, permissive, and democratic. 

Autocratic parenting is characterized by "limits without freedom."  Children are ordered, directed, corrected, chastised, and criticized.  Encouragement, nurturing, and demonstrations of love are in scarce supply.  The child's spirit may be broken, and self-esteem squelched.  Or, he may rebel and become defiant and strong-willed as a means of self-defense.

Permissive  parenting is characterized by "freedom without limits."  Children are allowed to do as they wish.  Permissive parents typically overlook or make excuses for misbehavior. And if occasional limits are stated, children ignore them or stubbornly refuse to do what's asked, because they know there won't be a consequence.  The child in this type of environment comes to believe rules are for others, including school rules and society's rules.  On the rare occasion that parents follow through with a consequence, the child, being unaccustomed to consequences, has a meltdown.  Defiance and destructive behavior often result, at which time the permissive parent may give in because they don't want to see the child "unhappy." What the child learns, of course, is that "tyrant" behavior gets her what she wants.  The results are far-reaching. 

Democratic parenting emphasizes "freedom within limits."  Parents focus on controlling the child's environment instead of trying to control the child.  They provide a balance of nurturing, encouragement, and discipline.  This approach is characterized by the freedom to make choices within limits defined by parents, with the knowledge that known consequences are guaranteed when limits aren't observed.  The result is a child who learns the cause-effect relationship between what he does and what he experiences as a result (consequence).  He learns to control his actions based on the predictable result; he thinks before he acts.  He develops a positive self-concept as a result of encouragement and he develops self-discipline as a result of limits and consequences.  He is prepared to thrive on his own when he leaves the nest. 

APPLYING DEMOCRATIC PARENTING  

"Misbehavior" is not a problem, misbehavior is a symptom of the problem.  Consequences address the symptom but encouragement addresses the basic problem.  For that reason, effective parenting must begin with encouragement, it is the most important part of parenting effectiveness.  Without it, even the best consequences will fail to gain the desired result.  That said, effecting a change in behavior must include focusing on the positive, i.e., what the child does right.  Complimenting and thanking him, spending "body and soul" time with him, listening to what he's interested in, and having fun with him daily is crucial to making improvements in behavior.  When the child is encouraged, feels a sense of belonging and being accepted as she is, consequences are effective and seldom necessary.

        It's important to know that a logical consequence amounts to simply delaying or denying a privilege the child enjoys. It must be related to the infraction, revealed in advance, respectful, and reasonable.  Time a request for the child to do something when an upcoming privilege is imminent and use a "when-then" statement, not "if-then."  Use a firm but friendly tone; if the task isn't done, don't make the privilege available.  No second chances, no reminding, and no nagging.  Examples:

        "When your toys are put in the box, then we'll have a snack."

        "When your teeth are brushed, you are in your PJs and in bed, then I'll read a story.  If it takes too long to get to bed, we won't have time for story; lights are out at 8 o'clock."

        "When your homework is done, then I'll drive you to your friend's house."

        "When your bathroom is cleaned, then we'll go to Borders to get your CD."

        When the child is doing something he shouldn't, use an "either-or" statement, again with a firm but friendly tone:

        "You can either treat the dog gently, or I will put him outside." 

        "You can either stop pestering at the table, or I will remove your plate and you can eat when we're finished."

        "You can either do what I asked you to do, or I know you'll understand when I am not willing to do what you ask me to do for you."  (Deny the next privilege requested.) 

        The key is to stop trying to control the child; that's impossible.  What will get results is to control his environment.

        It's wise to begin using simple consequences when the child is around age three, a time when consequences are little ones and the concept is learned early, before consequences get more expensive.

Vivian Brault, M.A., is a counselor, columnist, parenting consultant, and producer of the "Tearless" Discipline DVD course for parents and child care providers.