Encouraging Children to Take Responsibility      

        “Mom, I forgot my belt,” Jack said to me yesterday as his kung fu class was starting. 

        “It’s my fault. I should have put it in my bag,” he said, then sprinted off to join his class. 

        It took a second or two for me to realize my mouth was hanging open, ready to respond, as I absorbed what he just said.  My 9-year-old was taking responsibility for his own actions.

        At one point in our recent past, power struggles in our family were becoming more and more common.  They threatened to transform each gathering into a combat session—parents on one side, kids on the other, each group wrestling for control.  Dinner was frequently interrupted by the need to strong-arm small people back to the table or to discourage inappropriate conversation topics.  Family outings were punctuated by whining and complaining—from both children and adults. 

        In short, as our kids aged, my husband and I were finding ourselves less able to enjoy parenting the way we expected to.  Although things weren’t desperate yet, we were noticing that we didn’t have the relationship with our children we wanted, nor were many of the parenting strategies we remembered from our own upbringings working.  We were often reduced to our own tantrums in response to those of our kids.  On occasion, we found ourselves as shocked by the strength of our response to bad behavior as we were shocked by the bad behavior itself.

        About six months ago, my church started a Parenting with Love and Logic® Sunday school program.  Although I was unable to attend, I had long been interested in learning more about this method, and was able to borrow a set of CDs.  I listened to them in the car, while chauffeuring children to and from school or activities.

        The Love and Logic® model for parents and teachers was co-founded by Dr. Foster Cline and Jim Fay in the 1970s and is now the focus of the Love and Logic® Institute of Golden, Colorado (loveandlogic.com).  The model stresses communication tools designed to encourage kids to take responsibility for their actions, while encouraging parents to strategically relinquish control.  The Institute offers training and materials designed for implementation of the model appropriate to the age of the child from infancy through the teen years. 

        My boys are 6 and 9 years old—ages where their interests and activities are beginning to diverge.  They attend different schools and are developing different groups of friends and interests in activities.  Like most parents, I’m finding that my organizational skills are challenged on a regular basis by the demands of parenthood.  I’m interested in maintaining a handle on my personal and professional priorities as well as raising my children to be accountable for their actions and empowered to make decisions on their own. 

        I also happen to like them both quite a bit and would like us all to enjoy each other’s company. 

        Finally, I am also interested in preserving my sanity.  I have been shocked at the typical reaction I have when I’m in control struggles with my kids.  Tell me “no,” and I have a physical reaction. My throat constricts, my fists clench, and I communicate in a way that conveys my frustration and anger.  I may recognize at the time that I am not communicating effectively, and I always feel guilty later about having let my temper get the better of me.

        One of the problems I have with some of the parenting strategies I have studied is that in the heat of the moment, I often can’t remember the steps to turning a negative interaction with my child around.  I therefore didn’t have much hope for the CD set introducing the Parenting with Love and Logic® model.  I don’t have time to learn a new language for communicating with my children.

        As it turns out, the model itself encourages individuality and creativity, allowing parents to employ those parts of the model that most immediately resonate with them, and that they find themselves able to implement. 

        “It feels fun, it feels respectful, it allows for individuality,” says Joni Graham, Valley View Elementary School counselor who teaches Love and Logic® classes.  “There are some common techniques, but there is room for individuality.”

        The Love and Logic® model functions on a set of principles, including helping a child build a positive self-concept, relinquishing some control over decisions, offering empathy then consequences, and engaging the child in thinking and problem-solving.  In keeping with the instructions, as well as my learning style, I employed only a couple of the tools presented in the program at first, then expanded to other tactics. 

        One of the primary reasons I have been able to retain some of what I’ve learned is the immediate success I found when I starting using the model.

        One of our struggles as a family has been organization.  For years, thinking that I was being helpful, I have managed certain aspects of my children’s daily lives like a drill sergeant.  I lay out their clothes for the day, for example, and then deliver seven to ten reminders in the space of about 40 minutes to them to get dressed.  Those reminders escalate in urgency as the minutes before school starts tick away.

        By the time my children are ready for school, I may be hoarse from yelling yet ready to deliver a long lecture in the car about what might happen if one were late, inappropriately dressed, or perhaps even left behind—all threats that my kids never expected to be fulfilled because of my iron-fisted control over the situation every morning.

        What had never occurred to me was the possibility that my lectures weren’t as effective as the actual consequences I was describing to my children on a daily basis.  What’s more, my children now understand that these consequences belong to them, after having that fact demonstrated only one or two times.  They understand very quickly that they have earned whatever befalls them if I allow that to happen.  This means that I can then freely express empathy with their plight, without feeling at all responsible, provided I have made them aware of the choices they had to begin with.  I can be on their side, rather than be the person applying the punishment.

        According to the Love and Logic® model, I changed our morning routine:

1.  Announce the weather conditions for the day.

2. Invite the boys to pick out clothing that will be appropriate for the weather.

3. Remind the boys once of the time at which I will be leaving, regardless of the state of dress they are in.

4. Exactly at said time, load my horrified kindergartener into the car with his pajamas on and take him to school.

5. Express sincere empathy at my son’s predicament without making apologies: “I’m so sorry you’re not dressed.  How embarrassing!  What are you going to do about it?  What might you do differently to avoid this situation tomorrow?” After all, he made the decision to ignore the need to dress in time for school.  

        The point, made by the authors of Love and Logic®, is that all of us eventually experience natural consequences of our actions.  If allowed to do so early, in a safe environment, children can learn from natural consequence and learn to take accountability for their own actions, rather than view themselves as victims, and view the parent or enforcer of punishment as a bad person who just likes to be cruel.

        Steps four and five of the process described above, or their equivalent, will happen only once for most children.  The earlier children learn to think through the possible results of their actions, when the stakes are lower, the less severe the consequences they’ll experience before this lesson takes hold.

        Several organizations in the Treasure Valley offer classes on the Love and Logic® model, including the Boise and Meridian School Districts.  Of all the classes offered through the Boise School District, Graham says the Love and Logic® classes are the most popular.  Many teachers voluntarily take the training.

        “I think the benefit of this program for teachers is the use of a common language,” Graham says.  “It allows them to avoid power struggles in the classroom.”

        While Graham has never heard of a teacher who was skeptical or unable to implement the program, she says that the model doesn’t work for some parents who feel it is too complicated or requires too much discipline on their part.

        “It [using the Love and Logic® method] certainly isn’t the way many of us were raised,” Graham says, noting that giving kids control over decision-making can make a parent feel a loss of control.  Other parents may be overwhelmed by the complexity of the model.

        For those for whom the process seems overwhelming, Graham recommends taking one or two points from the method that seem reasonable and easy to remember, then implementing them. 

        “Teachers in the classroom often pick just the parts that work best for them, make them their own, then employ their creativity,” Graham says. If parents or teachers mess up, she says to continue trying. “Recognize that no one is perfect, laugh at your mistakes and move on.”

Resources

Boise School District classes: www.boiseschools.org/counselors/parented/classes.html

Meridian School District classes: www.meridianschools.org/Parents/Parent_Education/Parent_Education_Overview/

The Family Advocates (formerly the Family Advocate Program): www.familyadvocate.org/FF_LoveLogic.aspx

Beth Markley is a freelance writer and mother of two.  She and her husband feel fortunate to have children so patient with them bumbling their way through the adventures of parenthood.  The family lives in Boise.