Mornings are the best and brightest time of day for some families.  For others, mornings can be a time of utter chaos, resentment, and hostility.  Working parents, who must get kids up and ready for school or daycare in time to get to work, are especially vulnerable to the stress of morning madness when children don’t get dressed on time, change their mind about what to wear,  get mesmerized by TV programs, etc.  

        When these things happen, parents typically try to control the child and make him “mind.”  And while this is completely understandable, it is also totally ineffective because they have to do it again the next day.   Success in preventing morning madness lies in focusing on controlling elements in the child’s environment, rather than attempting to control the child. The fact is, we cannot make anyone do anything if they don’t want to.  We may use our size and force to make him do X today, but we than have to do the same thing tomorrow—at which point we have created an atmosphere of chaos and hostility: morning madness. 

        The key ingredient in a positive, stress-free morning is a predictable routine.  And the first step in eliminating morning madness in your home is to determine whether conflict and stress arise from a lack of organization and predictable routine, or is it that one or more children typically dawdle or ignore house rules in spite of an established routine?

        Regardless of the cause, there are many practical options available for promoting harmony and eliminating morning madness.  Some of these ideas include:

Stagger wake-up times 

        Little ones who need help with dressing, etc. should be the first to get up, to allow the extra time needed for them.  And those who function more slowly in the morning can benefit from getting up 10 minutes earlier than siblings, and using the bathroom first.  If you tend to be rushed in the morning, you might consider arising 10–15 minutes before the first child, thereby giving yourself a little margin and modeling for the kids.

Make the morning routine a way of life 

        The ages of children are always a consideration when suggesting morning routines.  Parents must communicate that the routine is a family requirement, not an option; for example, kids will get up and use the bathroom in the same order every day.  Part of the routine may be that breakfast is served at 7:15, and anyone who gets to breakfast late will have a 15-minute earlier bedtime the next night.  The morning routine might start with: getting up, making the bed (those age six and above), brushing teeth, dressing, and fixing hair.  When the things you require are completed and breakfast is ready, everyone sits down at the designated time. Joining the family for breakfast is contingent upon having all tasks done.  When a non-compliant child arrives at table without having the grooming tasks done, use the When-Then technique:  “When your teeth are brushed and your hair is combed then you can join us for breakfast.“ The child may dawdle, but stick to your guns and he’ll eventually get his tasks done.  If he persists, he may miss breakfast, but he won’t the next day. 

        You could also use the Either-Or technique.  “You can either get your teeth brushed and hair combed before coming to the table to eat with us, or you can skip breakfast. It’s up to you.  When you maintain the peacefulness of the environment, he’s likely to comply.  If he doesn’t and misses breakfast with the family through his own choice, he’ll be ready to honor the routine tomorrow. After breakfast, children clear their dishes and then, when all kids have done their one morning job (dog fed, trash out, recycling in bin, etc.), the TV might be available  until it’s time to leave. Then the TV is turned off.

Eliminate clothing hassles by planning ahead

        Have each child lay out the next day’s clothes the night before. Include everything down to socks and underwear, even hair ornaments. No changes allowed once the child’s head is on the pillow.   Kids participate in the choices; they can choose to select their own outfits or have the parent choose all or part for them.  Having everything laid out the night before eliminates last-minute hunts for a shoe or a sock. 

Eliminate last-minute searches with the “grab and go” approach

        How many times have you frantically searched for your child’s homework, show and tell item, notebook, etc. so he won’t miss the bus?  Grab and go eliminates that aspect of morning madness.  Simply require that kids have their backpacks ready to go for the morning, and park them by the door so they can simply grab and go without a frenzied hunt. Grab and go works well for lunches too; park all lunches on a shelf in the refrigerator where they can reach in, grab it, and head for the door.  Beginning at age six, children can pack their own lunch with supplies provided by a parent.  If you drive kids to school, backpacks can be placed in the car at bedtime, and you’re ready to leave without the usual hassle and tears.

Plan the breakfast menu in advance                          

        Breakfast together is highly recommended; it promotes a feeling of family unity and gives kids a sense of belonging—a “family gang.”  Menus can be planned with kids’ participation; get creative with a Monday menu, Tuesday menu, etc.  What is decided on is what is served.  No special short orders and no grumbling about the meal.  If kids get up late and don’t have time for breakfast, that’s an unfortunate natural consequence. They’ll be there in time tomorrow.  There is no lecturing, or “I told you so.”  The morning atmosphere remains peaceful.

Holiday and weekend schedules

        We all like to relax and get up a little later on those days when we don’t have a time commitment to meet. Kids feel the same.  Explain that holiday and weekend schedules allow time for all of us to get up a little later if we choose: it’s a treat.  And when Monday rolls around, we’ll be back to the school day schedule. 

Instilling Responsibility

        Children from about age six and up can get themselves up with an alarm clock of their own.  There’s no reason mom and dad have to supervise their rising, and giving that responsibility to the child is encouraging for the child and eliminates morning madness.  If kids oversleep, there may not be time to braid hair, have another bowl of cereal, etc.  The natural consequence will do the training for you and morning madness will become a thing of the past.

        When each new day begins with endless negotiations, chaos, and meltdowns, the stress generated impacts the entire day for everyone.  On the other hand, just one hour of thoughtful planning and initiating a workable morning routine will eliminate years of morning madness!  Which  would you  choose  or  recommend for others?

Vivian Brault, M.A., Counselor, Columnist, Parent Coach and Consultant, and Producer of the Tearless Discipline DVD course for parents and childcare providers.