Years ago, my husband and I were walking out of a restaurant with our toddler. As we passed a man wearing a black eye patch, we exchanged glances, realizing what was about to happen. Mike grabbed our son and bolted for the parking lot. Even so, everyone on the sidewalk could hear the darling, baby voice ringing out clear as a bell:
“Look daddy! A pirate! Arghh!”

More recently, as I passed two young women in a grocery store aisle, I overheard: “really, if I were their mother …” I realized the women were standing between me and my two boys. The latter were arguing vociferously over which brand of cereal we were taking home. The mother in question was me.

Whether funny or shocking, everyone seems to have a story about a child or children behaving inappropriately in a public place—sometimes accompanied by a statement about what might have happened to such a child in a different home, under different parentage, or “back in the day.”

Gone, it seems, are the days when children may have been expected to “be seen and not heard.” Good riddance, I say, to that standard. My husband and I enjoy conversations with our kids. We value their enthusiasm and energy during a soccer game or a hike in the mountains, just as we encourage their quiet but thoughtful participation in indoor conversation. By exposing them to various social settings that each require a particular behavior, I like to think we are preparing them for a world where they will be comfortable and confident no matter where they go.

Certainly children are exposed daily to examples of shockingly bad manners of the adults they’re expected to emulate. Examples of poor sportsmanship can be found at recreational, collegiate, and professional events. The content of televised awards shows and even political speeches can be overshadowed by examples of bad behavior.

“For a parent, the outside influence is hard to counteract,” says Denise Hodges of Boise Cotillion, a social etiquette program for children, “but if you have a standard, it’s like the rudder in the water. You set the course with clear expectations and guidelines of the things that are most important to you. If you also allow for some flexibility, your kids will turn out great.”

In the long run, our goal for our children is for them to be able to understand what manners are appropriate to various social settings, and adapt accordingly. The more adept they become at doing so, the more variety we will be able to enjoy in our outings as a family, and the more comfort they will have with new situations. Our boys are 10 and 7 years old now, no longer toddlers. Still, is it too much to expect them to not only know how to behave like gentlemen, but also to know what behavior is most appropriate in what setting?

At the dinner table: Sometimes the only quality time we spend together as a family is at dinner. It can be distressing to have this special time disrupted by someone repeatedly leaving the table, watching television, or playing a video game. The same can be said of inappropriate conversation topics, which in our home usually include some audible bodily function and raucous laughter. As parents, we need first to look at the precedents we set by our own behavior. Put down the newspaper and talk to your children. Compliment the cook. Make eye contact during a conversation and ask for items to be passed rather than grabbing. Wait to start eating until everyone is seated. Clear your own place. Set an example you can encourage your kids to follow.

Upon meeting someone: I do wish my kids would look up at my colleagues or friends upon meeting them, say something completely charming, and hold out their hand to be shaken. As much as we tutor our children with this vision in mind, their best effort seems to be a vague “hey, ‘sup?” with a hand raised for a high five. Experts say children of elementary school age can be schooled in making eye contact, addressing someone by name (whether with a surname or by a first name depends upon how they were introduced), and offering their hand for a handshake. Consistency is important for children, experts say. Let them know beforehand they’ll be meeting someone new and tell them how proud it makes you to show them off. Remind them of basics of greeting someone in public: eye contact, a smile and a polite hello, and offering a hand to shake if they’re comfortable doing so.

In public: At one point, our biggest hope for dinner at a restaurant was that no one would crawl under the table, bolt in front of a server carrying a heavy tray, or spill a drink. As our kids have matured, we have been able to expand the list of requirements for public behavior and thus the variety of outings we can enjoy as a family. Online magazine Parenting.com says that as kids get older, they’re more able to follow directions, and may enjoy putting their manners on display. Explain your expectations to your children beforehand and encourage them to follow your example.

As a gracious host: When friends or relatives are expected to visit, we ask the boys not to disappear into their rooms before they have a chance to meet our guests. Especially if we expect children to visit, we ask our boys to serve as co-hosts. At an early age, children can be given a special job, like taking coats and offering refreshments. Even if the event is a simple play date, we remind the boys of their duties as hosts: don’t be bossy, offer your favorite toys to play with or a tour of their rooms. We find that when the boys are charged with a small amount of responsibility of their own, they’ll rise to the occasion.

In all situations, sharing expectations with your child is important, as is discretely praising manners the child remembers without reminders. In all things, Hodges says, remember consistency and repetition are key.

“Manners come naturally when you are exposed to them and use them over and over and over again,” she says. “The more you are exposed to good manners, the more you model them, the more they become second nature.”

RESOURCES

The Emily Post Institute, www.emilypost.com, offers a Kids and Parents section with access to tip cards for every age level, including table manners, classroom manners and polite greetings.

Parenting Magazine’s website, www.parenting.com, offers a number of helpful articles on teaching kids manners according to age level.

LOCAL INSTRUCTION 

Treasure Valley Area Instruction

Boise Cotillion also teaches dance and social etiquette for children in grades 4–9. $200 membership includes admission to a series of monthly parties beginning November 5 through April. For more information see www.boisecotillion.com, or call director Denise Hodges at (208) 342-7895. 

Treasure Valley Cotillion provides dance and etiquette instruction for students from fifth grade through high school. Registration is $25 and tuition is $200. For more information see www.socialessence.com/cotillion_all.html, or call Susan Evans at (208) 631-0576.

Beth Markley, her husband, and two sons live in Boise, where Beth is a freelance writer and fundraising consultant. These days, the family only rarely runs into alleged pirates outside of area restaurants anymore.