Develop an Attitude of Gratitude

        All across America, there are well-intentioned parents who are frustrated and their words express an all-too-common theme.  “I don’t understand.  Our son has everything—all the advantages.  We make sure he has every opportunity—a new computer, cellphone, iPod—all the things the other kids have and more.  But he doesn’t appreciate it, and he’s never satisfied.  I offer to pay him to help out at home, but he sneaks out and then comes to us for money when he wants something.  His grades are poor because he spends evening study time talking on his phone or texting when he should be doing homework.  And when we correct him, he either yells at us and says we’re stupid, or he has a complete meltdown.  He’s surly most of the time, unless he wants something.”

        These distraught parents are responsible people who have worked hard to achieve a comfortable standard of living.  They are stable members of their communities and they hope their children will become responsible and achieve success as they did.  But they are distressed because they don’t see any sign of initiative, appreciation, creativity, or work ethic, and they don’t know why.  Ironically, the lifestyle enjoyed by these hard-working parents has made it possible for their children to enjoy “the good life” without any effort!  The result is an attitude of entitlement that is certain to set up the child for a rude shock when they attempt to launch into life on their own.  Many end up living at home into their adult years.  And there is a growing legion of grandparents raising grandchildren because their own children have succumbed to entitlement and aren’t responsible. 

        But there is good news. It IS possible to live a comfortable lifestyle and rear children who are respectful, achieving, willing to put forth effort for what they want, and appreciate what they have.  However, it takes an awareness of:

• the values you want to stimulate in your children,

• what your current parenting approach is teaching them now,

• what you can do to instill the attitudes you want to foster. 

        This may mean that you will decide to change some of your approach to parenting.

        An attitude of entitlement doesn’t arise accidentally; it is a predictable response to permissive parenting and begins to become evident when the child is just a toddler.  One or both parents may be permissive “pleasers” who avoid conflict at any price.  They may say no to a child’s request, only to turn around five minutes later and give in, by perhaps saying “well, just this one time.”  What the child learns is, “When I hassle and whine, they will give me what I want to get me to stop.”  And if the parent decides to hold out longer next time, the child learns “I need to hassle longer to get what I want, and I can do that all morning if I have to.”  This is how we systematically train kids to hassle us longer and longer.  When we say one thing and do another, the child believes only what we do.   Actions truly speak louder than words. 

WHAT DOES ENTITLEMENT LOOK LIKE?

        Characteristics of entitlement include demands for the newest fads, excessive self-indulgence, and a lack of compassion and concern for others.  An attitude of entitlement is also evidenced by a strong need for acceptance, an ongoing pattern of unfinished projects, a high level of incompetence, deceit, and disregard for property (which is often lost or destroyed).  “Entitled” individuals show a lack of planning and preparation for the future; their only goal in life is to have fun, now.

10 Parental behaviors that promote a sense of entitlement

1. Threatening a child for disobedience but not following through. 

2. Intervening to protect the child from the negative consequences of his behavior and poor choices.

3. Getting toys or electronics for your child because his friends have them.

4. Producing cash whenever your child asks.

5. Giving in to demands after token resistance.

6. Not requiring a child to complete chosen activities or projects.

7.  Providing excessive or unnecessary help on homework and projects.

8. Tolerating disrespect and a surly attitude without consequences.

9. Frequently using the television to keep the child occupied.

10. Replacing an item or toy that the child has destroyed or lost.

        If you recognize any of the above as part of your parenting approach, you may find the insight helpful in determining if you are on a path that you want to continue—or abandon while there’s still time.

        It may be insightful to go a step further and consider the scenario from the child’s point of view.  What the child learns from the above behaviors is that someone will always protect you from the consequences of poor choices and sometimes what you’ve done is just ignored—it’s no big deal.  You can get money or something you want by crying and telling your parents you’re the only kid in school that doesn’t have what you asked for.  And if they resist, you can kick, cry, scream, and hit your head on the floor—they’ll give you what you want because they don’t want you to hurt yourself.  If you don’t like to do things like school projects, pretend you don’t know how and parents will help, and you’re off the hook.  You don’t have to eat food you don’t like; just get a snack from the refrigerator when dinner is over.  You don’t have to do what parents want. You’re in control and you can have whatever you want because they don’t want you to be upset.

PARENTS WHO OVER-PROTECT 

        Parents who over-protect do so with the best intentions; they want to shield their children from life’s discomforts, disappointments, and inconveniences.  They are often very responsible adults who strive to do their best, but are unaware that being too responsible can interfere with their child becoming responsible himself.  When that happens, one or more unresolved issues are at work with these parents that prompt them to knuckle under to their kids.  Some permissive parents want to avoid conflict and the punishment the child wields when parents don’t comply.  Others tend to give “things” to their child instead of uninterrupted body and soul time (quality time) with their child.  Still others give in to the mistaken belief that being over-protective creates a community image of a good parent.  Some try to compensate for what they feel they didn’t have as a child.  And for many, it’s just easier, but the price paid later is huge.  When one parent is very strict and the other is a rescuer, the stage is set for major dysfunction. Those times when the strict parent disciplines, the rescuer parent often coddles and gives in to the child to make up for the strictness—at which point the strict parent becomes even more strict, and destructive dynamics spiral out of control.  Everyone loses. 

WHAT PARENTS CAN DO

        Parents can begin by recognizing that an attitude of entitlement is learned, and that positive attitudes are also learned. This means that acquiring an effective and positive parenting approach is the logical next step.  If it’s possible to attend a parenting course in your area, do so.  If not, get a copy of an excellent source of parenting information entitled Children: the Challenge, by Dr. Rudolf Dreikurs and Vickie Soltz.  And begin today to provide 5–10 minutes of uninterrupted body and soul time with your child two or three times daily.  Doing so establishes a relationship that serves as a basis for the success of further training.  Then review the foregoing list of parental behaviors that promote a sense of entitlement, and decide how you will avoid them, starting today.  For discipline to be effective, children need to know specifically what is expected of them, and what you will do if those limits aren’t observed.  They need to know they can trust you to do what you say. 

        The first step in making any change is to recognize that what’s occurring now isn’t working, and it doesn’t make sense to continue doing it.  When we reach that point as parents, we start to look for a more effective method of achieving what we want—and we implement it.

By Vivian Brault, M.A., Counselor, and parent, grandparent, presenter, instructor, writer, parenting coach, and producer of the ‘Tearless’ Discipline parenting class on DVD.