Amy looked down at the test on her desk. Her mind went blank. Ugh! She took a deep breath and focused on the shirt of the person in front of her.

        She felt tense, stressed, worried, and anxious. Why? She took another deep breath. She had worked really hard, but the test counted for a huge part of the grade. Amy realized her shoulders were almost to her ears, and relaxed.   She had worked really hard, she told herself, so she could do it. With a new focus, Amy picked up her pencil and began answering the questions.

        Across the classroom, Kate gripped her pencil tighter as her mind went blank too. Why did teachers have to give them stupid tests? It wasn’t fair that the test was worth so much of their grade. She knew it was a waste of time to study! What was the point? She was going to do horribly anyway!

        Amy and Kate have exactly the same I.Q. The only difference, according to John Gottman, PhD, is that one child grew up with emotional-coaching parents while the other child had emotional-dismissing parents. Dr. Gottman, author of Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child: The Heart of Parenting, discovered this difference after 30 years of researching children.

        Feelings are largely a right-brain affair and, when left unmanaged, often cause a person to withdraw. Yet, when the feelings are correctly labeled, self-awareness incorporates the left brain. Using both sides of the brain increases the child’s ability to self-soothe and problem-solve. Students with this learned ability can focus their attention better and, in turn, are better learners.

       So how do parents emotionally coach their children to learn these skills?

Start with Yourself. When a strong emotion hits, don’t dismiss it. Label it. Become literate with describing feelings. This extended vocabulary helps pinpoint why you feel that way. Once the cause is found, brainstorm a plan to deal with the cause or, if the cause of the feelings isn’t changeable, a way to cope.   Some possible ways of coping: read a book, take a walk around the block, stretch, listen to some music, etc. These coping skills help model for your children ways to handle emotions.

Help Your Child Label Emotions. When strong emotions wash over a child, parents often see them manifested in undesirable behavior, like a tantrum, whining, or throwing toys. It’s at this moment you help label the emotions. Start by asking why they behaved the way they did and then genuinely listen. If they don’t respond, verbally guess at what their emotions may be and ask if you’re right.   Keep in mind that our emotions are often multi-layered. Hurt, fear, frustration, or worry may be underneath a layer of anger.

Show empathy. A simple “I can understand why you’d feel that way” is often all that is needed to help diffuse intense feelings. Research backs up the notion that feeling heard and understood often deflates the anger and tension that block problem-solving skills.

Address the Behavior. In the case of negative behavior, it is important to follow through with consequences after showing empathy. Research shows that emotional coaching without limits on negative behavior produces more aggressive children. Stay true to your family values.

Brainstorm. After the emotions are labeled and any negative behavior is addressed, follow through with the important step of talking it through together. But do not solve the problem for the child! Help children brainstorm with leading questions or suggestions, if they need it. What are some possible ways of coping with those unmanageable feelings next time? Is there a way to keep that from happening again?

Develop the Relationship.  Be proactive in encouraging communication between your child and yourself.   Spend some one-on-one time with each child. Even a 15-minute date once a week with your child can make all the difference. It can be as simple as joining the child on the floor to play their favorite game, or making extra time to have breakfast together.

        Actively listen and empathize before giving any advice. Even with the wealth of experience, wisdom, and knowledge parents carry in their arsenal, it is more important to let the child feel heard than dispense answers right away. This trust-building activity will only make it easier for the child to ask parents for advice in the future. As parents who want the best for their child, keeping our mouths shut may be the hardest step!

Hugs. In our culture, for safety reasons, physical comfort is frowned upon in schools, sports, and hobbies. Emotional-coaching parents thus make it a priority to hug their children frequently. In times of stress or high emotions, a hug or soft pat on the back is more effective than verbal comfort alone.  

Compliment Specifically. Emotional-coaching parents catch their child doing things right and keep their mouths shut when mistakes undeserving of consequences occur. Researchers discovered that criticism of any type begets more mistakes during the learning process. Instead, find something the child is doing right and then offer help, not criticism, as they progress. Use feeling words about specific behaviors or talents when complimenting a child. 

        There will be times when emotions must be dismissed. Unpleasant tasks are plentiful in life. If the previous steps are the norm, however, then self-soothing and coping abilities during those unpleasant times will serve our children well.

Heather Humrichouse is a freelance writer in the Treasure Valley. Find the celebratory in the ordinary at www.creativefamilymoments.com.

COPING STRATEGIES

        After emotions are labeled, sometimes the emotions are still too intense to handle. During these extreme moments, choose coping strategies to help until the emotions can be handled constructively. In addition, when high periods of stress are anticipated, include the strategies as part of the plan.

        Here are some examples of coping strategies:

1.  Time alone in your room

2. Listen and/or sing to favorite music

3. Cuddle with a pet, stuffed animal, or favorite blanket

4. Eat a healthy snack, if hungry

5. Watch a favorite show

6. Make a phone call to a friend or relative

7.  Read a book

8. Draw or color a picture

9. Active movement such as walking, jumping on the trampoline, dancing, or stretching