To Stay Home or Not Stay Home
By Beth Markley

More than two years ago, I decided it was time to give up working full time to stay at home with my boys.  Parenting preschool-aged children was certainly more involved than parenting babies had been, and my profession was requiring more of my time and allowing less flexibility than ever before.  My husband had a vigorous travel schedule, which made it difficult to manage overlapping activities or last-minute emergencies.  We had been able to pay off some bills, and my husband's income had increased to a level that made it possible for me to consider giving up mine.

Still, I was anxious about my changing status.  I imagined having nothing to talk about at parties, finding my new life unsatisfying, and being unable to resume my career when I was ready.  

We had decided to have children after both my husband and I were established in our careers.  By this time, my entire identity was wrapped up in my life as a professional. 

"The older a woman is when she becomes a mom," says Amy Tiemann, Ph.D., in her book Mojo Mom: Nurturing Your Self While Raising a Family, "the more of her established identity she has to leave behind."  Tiemann notes that this is a relatively recent development in our culture.  My own grandmother earned her graduate degree in the 1930s, and it was likely, given the social norms of the time, she had little intention of becoming a paid professional.

Today, that social ideal of the stay-at-home mother seems to be back on the upswing.  The Women's Institute for Financial Education (wife.org) estimates that the average woman will leave the paid workforce for 11.5 years to care for family.  Yet, many women of my generation have grown up in an environment that encouraged and expected us to make the most of what the generation before had made possible-the  opportunity to select from a wider variety of career choices, demand equal treatment (if not yet equal pay) in the workforce, and have more access to quality childcare. When making the decision to become a full-time parent, many of these same women feel it is a decision between betraying the ideals of the women's liberation movement of the 70s or sacrificing the well-being of their young family. 

It seems like this decision should be a no-brainer-sacrificing your family for some ideal?  But if you've grown up with a particular image of yourself as a professional first, then a parent later, this can be a particularly difficult shift to make.

"Although I valued the work that my mom did while she was at home with us," says Brenda Ballantyne, a former teacher who is now a full-time mother of her two girls, "when I was considering leaving my work as a teacher, I realized I didn't hold motherhood in high regard.  I don't think society does either."

For Ballantyne, the decision to make the transition from professional to full-time mom was based on her feeling that she couldn't do both at a level that satisfied her need for perfection.

"I couldn't be a great teacher and a great mom at the same time, and I wasn't able to do either half-way," she says.

For many couples, the decision for one parent to stay at home at some point in their children's lives is made before children are born.  For others, it is a situation born of convenience.

For Bob White, an Eagle father, the opportunity to stay at home with his new daughter and 3-year-old son came at a point in his life when he was considering changing careers and pursuing a master's degree through night classes.

"It seemed like a natural time for me to stay home with our kids," White says.  "Plus, my wife had taken time off when our first child was born, and it was my turn."

While Ballantyne's struggle with her changing role was primarily an internal one-between an image of herself as a professional and that of a full-time caregiver-White found himself perfectly comfortable with his changing role; it was others in his life who were not necessarily so comfortable.

"I heard a lot of the ‘Mr. Mom' comments," he says.  "It was sometimes awkward explaining what I did when people asked.  Generally, women were supportive and positive about it.  Men didn't want to talk about it."

If you are considering becoming a full-time parent, or have already left the workforce, there are things that might help you make the transition with less anxiety:

1.     Resolve to keep abreast of developments in your career, says Tiemann.  Maintain your certification or credentials by taking classes or volunteering strategically in activities that keep your skills sharp.

2.     At the same time, be wary of over-committing to volunteer activities-my own experience-at least until you understand what your daily schedule is going to be.

3.     I find it energizing to reconnect with friends and professional colleagues on a regular basis.  Schedule one day a week for coffee or lunch outside the home.

4.     Keep a regular schedule for yourself and your kids.  Get showered and dressed as usual before your spouse heads off to work, enlisting their help while home to monitor the kids.

5.     Continue to divide some responsibility for household and childcare chores between yourself and your spouse.  Although you may feel more responsibility for shouldering more daily chores, keeping your spouse involved in some activities will help you both feel more like part of a parenting team.  It's also important to recognize when you're going to feel resentful of this new role, and develop strategies to reduce that possibility.  Says Ballantyne: "I would think occasionally ‘hey, I did not go to college to be the maid'."

6.     Let go of your housekeeping standards, if possible.  Previously, you were able to leave the house and return to find it in the same state.  Now, you'll occupy the same space for many more hours during the day, dirtying dishes, helping with homework, or emptying out toy boxes to find Buzz Lightyear's backpack.

7.     Ballantyne highly recommends giving yourself time to enjoy a break while the kids are napping or playing outside.  While you were at work, you were able to take a breather from time to time to get a cup of coffee or chat with a colleague.  If you sit down for a minute to finish the newspaper, or chat on the phone, you're reinvigorating yourself, not being lazy.

8.     Listen to your spouse and your children.  The changes you are making in your life will doubtlessly have an impact on your whole family.  Allow them the opportunity to adjust as you must.

9.     Finally, "be aware that you might be grieving for the loss of your previous life," says Ballantyne.  Talk to your spouse about this adjustment, and help them understand the impact of the changes you have had to make.

Beth Markley is a Boise mother of two, a freelance nonprofit consultant, and writer.